monkeywithabutcherknife

I’ll be back when I have something to say.

I am constantly amazed at people. The decisions they make, the way they see the world. Its generally pretty disappointing. Sometimes its simple stuff like they’ll make a right hand turn from the left lane across three lanes of traffic. At least you’re being honest and saying ‘I’m a bad driver. I don’t know where I’m going. I’m going to inconvenience all of you cause I’m an idiot’. Sometimes its losing a great job cause you failed a drug test. Don’t wax poetic about how drug testing is draconian and you oppose it – Say it: “I like weed more than I like having a good job”

But more than that, sometimes its big. Like real big. Sometimes its life-changing things. The kinds of decisions that will forever alter the rest of your life. Getting married, having children, etc. To make those decisions well you have to understand yourself and what you want. It requires an uncomfortable amount of honesty. But I think its important. You have to know what you want and admit it to yourself. People can generally talk themselves into and out of anything they choose to. And usually, if they aren’t honest with themselves they have to make excuses. “I can’t do this because of [insert bullshit here]“. At some point we’re all adults right? So, like Taunt said in her blog post today: “Now, when you take mental health day you shouldn’t spin into a lie of actual illness. Don’t pussy out and say you got the sniffles. Just say you aint going.” I can respect that.

And the same thing applies to everything else. Be honest. Do me a solid. Don’t bullshit around like “oh, the world just isn’t fair” or something. Plus, honesty is really the hardest thing to argue with. If someone says to me “you’re a douche” there really isn’t anything I can say other than “nuh-uh” which would only prove I’m a douche.

And the closer your relationship with people, the more important it all is, cause I think honesty is what makes us close to one another. Its why familys argue, its why siblings confide in each other, it’s why parents can say “stop that” and when you ask why they can say “because it makes you look like an asshole”. And a lack of honesty can destroy everything. Its why siblings sometimes don’t talk to each other for decades, its why not every family has a family reunion. Who the fuck keeps bringing pea salad to the reunion?!? Who the fuck eats pea salad?!? My point is pea salad wouldn’t exist if not for dysfunctional families that aren’t honest enough to stand there at the table with the potato salad slowly turning into poison in the hot sun and yell: “Who’s the asshole that brounght some kind of pea and mayo bullshit with croutons on top of it?!? Get ‘em!!!”

When I was growing up in the 80′s nearly every adult I knew got devorced (at least once). There was always something that triggered the whole thing I suppose, but I never heard anyone be brutally honest and say the reason was “because I didn’t love them and don’t want to be with them”. Hell, maybe it did. What do I know – I was just a kid. But I would bet that’s why in nearly every case. One person decided they didn’t love the other any more. If I was that other person, I would want someone to be that honest with me.

I try to be honest and I know I lie to myself all the time so I don’t mean to say its easy. But I really do try. And sometimes honesty just hurts too much – I understand that too. Life would be very different if everyone was a little more honest with themselves and each other. That’s all I’m saying. No hidden messages or cryptic shit. I don’t have the patience for all that. I’m just writing what’s on my mind cause it makes me feel better to get it out. And that, for sure, is a very honest statement.

I woke up and throught I’d post something. I don’t know what exactly, but a little something anyway.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Mostly about relationships, and getting older, etc. Relationships are hard. Family relationships, friendships, romantic relationships; all very difficult it seems.

I come from a small family so it isn’t as burdensome as some have it. Today was my brothers birthday – a quick phone call is all that entailed. I haven’t seen my brother in a long time – too long. He has his life and lives up North. We talk on the phone a few times a year and visit every few years. My parents live in my grandmosther’s house in Tenn. I talk to them, well, sometimes weekly, but other times once a month or so. They come down every now and then and help with the shanty, and I think my last visit there was a hurricane evacuation. They don’t live in Cinci where I grew up and haven’t for quite some time so there’s never a real sense of “going home” which is in some ways nice. I can’t even remember the last time I was in Cinci. I rarely miss it. I often suspect I’m not a very good brother, son, cousin, nephew (and whatever else I might be) as far as family goes. But over the years I think they’ve all come to accept the idea. It isn’t that we aren’t close; just not close in the traditional sense. I do miss my family, but not as often as I think I should.

Some of my best friends I haven’t seen in years – as in a decade or longer. I have trouble remembering the last time I saw some of them. They’ve almost become names in my head that pop in every now and then to remind me they’re in there. I can’t tell you much about them that would be current. I do keep in touch with some people, but mostly its people that are in my immediate vicinity. If you move away or I don’t see you for a few months, you’ll sort of drift into the back of my head eventually falling in rotation with the others…or surface in a dream to tell me something I’ve forgotten. There’s nothing spiritual or magnificent about it – just how my mind works to remind me of things in a context. I’m almost certain I’m not a good friend to most people I was at one time or another very close with. I assume I’ve fallen into the back of their head as well, though this may just be rationalization if not a little arrogant to think they think like I do.

I have a long history of failed romances.I’ve never been married, or really all that officially engaged. So to be completely blunt about it: every romantic relationship I’ve ever had has failed. Skipping the high school stuff, my first real relationship was a girl in Seattle when I was in the military. We dataed for a couple of weeks when I was expectantly called away for a couple of months. It was very short notice – like less than 12 hours. When I got back to Seattle, she had gotten married. Not a good way to start my adult romantic training. Several months after that she had broken that off and we went out for a few years. When I got out of the military I broke up with her. I had all these big plans of doing this and that. Some of it I did, and some of it I didn’t. We didn’t speak for years. I talked to her today and we’re still friends, which I appreciate.

Then there was the first time I thought I was going to get married. A girl I met in college. It was a strange time in my life and there probably wasn’t room for the romance and eventually she had to get rid of me. I’m very sure the reason I had to go was because she really just didn’t think I was going to do anything with my life. Maybe she was right. She didn’t like me. I told her once that I feel like she “doesn’t like me as a person but has the misfortune of being in love with me”. Looking back that’s probably very true. She joined the Peace Corps and was sent to Kazakstan, later she came back to the states and finished her PhD at the University of Cincinnati. I’m sure she’s a professor somewhere but I don’t know where. I haven’t seen her in about a decade.

A few years later, I met someone and it was a really nice relationship. Not too bumpy, it just kind of bopped along. There were some problems of course but that was mostly due to her moving to New Orleans to be with me. We dated for years and it was very nice most of the time. We broke up about  a month before Hurricane Katrina and I move (mostly) out of our lakeview apartment. By then we really weren’t getting along and I was afraid that if we didn’t go to our separate corners we’d end up hating each other. So, even though it was tough and emotional, there was always a sense that we’d keep in touch but that our relationship was going to be different from then on. Well, the storm came and she had to get out of here. She went back home, finished school, got a great job, and we’ve become good friends. She’s a rock-solid confidant. And she’ll be the first to point out if I’m being an ass. She comes to visit occationally and we’ll hang out to one degree or another. Our relationship is much better this way if for no other reason than romantically, I don’t think we’d have made it very much farther than we did, but as friends we’ll be around a while I think.

Which brings us to my most recent romantic relationship. Being more recent I don’t have the cold eye of time that allowed me to describe the other relationships. Two months from any of the other listed relationships and I might would have written something entirely different. So I want to be careful here. First I can honestly say it was a strange relationship and very challenging. I am also sure, that even though we were not offically engaged in any way, in my head I was very sure this was the person I was going to marry. Why did we break up? I really don’t know. In my mind is was lack of one phone call; and one visit. But I can only assume she would disagree and that’s fair. I do tend to over-simplify things sometimes. Ultimately though, the odds in us making it were very bad to begin with for a variety of reasons and it was only through much effort on everyone’s part that we made it as far as we did. The same things that prevented our relationship from working will keep us from being friends – I’m almost certain of it.

So, looking back I find myself in the all to familiar spot of being at the end of a relationship and understanding that for the next couple of years I’ll not likely date anyone or be in any sort of meaninful relationship. It won’t be on purpose so much as I need time. I think its important not to drag shit from one relationship into the next and the only way to do that is to allow time between them. However, that is a little daunting. At 24 being off the market for a few years wasn’t all that scary. At 38 things look a little different. I mean, I honestly have to consider the idea that I may not be in another serious relationship. I have to consider the possiblity that I may never get married, never have kids (not that the lack of kids is troublesome to me) and never know that relative piece of mind of knowing someone is on my side for every fight and every fun to be had. It isn’t necessarily the way I want it to be but it is a possibility. If I live to be 80 that is not likely the case, but who knows. The thought of another 40 years like the first 38 isn’t all bad, but still. It will require Tom Waits to continue to put out albums to help get me through.

And really, I’ve been lucky in my failures. I’ve aquired great friendships out of half of my romantic relationships. I’ve found more love and affection over the years than most people ever get (married or not) I think. Aside from that I have had wonderful, patient friends over the years whos loyalty to me is sometimes misplaced but still impressive. And my family tolerates me which is sometimes the best you can hope for with family. Maybe through all of this I’ve used up my allocation of love and to ask for more would just be greedy and selfish. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m here, and I have to do something with all that time. So I’m going to give it some thought, figure out better ways to spend the time, and try to make sure I don’t get too closed off or too jaded. I guess like all the other mammals, I’ll just try to get by in the cenozoic era…try to have some fun like my kitten does, try to do right like my dog does, avoid lure of peanut butter laiden traps and each night, curl up in the shanty and get some rest like the mice in the walls do. And every morning when the sun comes up, I’ll kick the day in the taint so it knows I woke up on the right side of the dirt one more time and anxiously wait and see what the day holds for me.

So there you have it: a little glimps of my mind’s workings at midnight on a Wed when I just can’t get back to sleep. See, I told you I was going to post a little something.

So she’ll shut up about it already!!

Update: Oh the irony!!!

Neat new feature allows google to help you out by trying to anticipate what you are most likely searching for….ya know….to make things easier on your dumb ass. Thought I’d give it a try and see what it comes up with:

They all can’t be winners people. Its just a blog.

Cognitive Dissonance leading to Confirmation Bias. It doesn’t matter whether its a professional conversation or a personal one. These two factors seem to appear almost daily. Usually it leads to me thinking I wasn’t clear in what I said when it occurrs in someone else around me. I’m usually pretty exact when I say something but for some reason sometimes I’ll say something, I try to be clear, I try to keep it simple, and I try and make sure I’ve thought about it enough to know exactly what I mean. But it doesn’t help. I am anything from shocked, to insulted, to hurt by what the person apprently heard.

And it isn’t like I’m immune to the whole process myself. Being aware of it I try to mute it, but it still happens. Sometimes I think it was because the speaker wasn’t clear in what they said, but usually its simply that I heard what I wanted to.

So you might be thinking, “big shit. happens every day to everyone. you just found out a name for it, ass”. And you would be correct. Thing is, its kind of important. And important things should have a name. It makes them more real and insists that people take it seriously. I mean how many arguments are started because of this? How many peace processes have broken down? And in the end doesn’t it really come down to trust in some cases – at least on a personal level? If you know me and I say something and you think, ‘well that sure as hell doesn’t sound like something he would say’ then do you assume you missunderstood or do you assume I’ve lost my mind? It gets more complicated if it does sound like something I would say as far as you know.

Militaries around the world have attempted to circumvent this particular problem by making it so that if you take a litteral meaning of what was said then you really can’t get in trouble for the most part. But they get off easy because what’s being said is usually simple or if not simple, at least, apparent…like say…”Take that machine gun nest”. However, the complexities of work and social life don’t allow for that.

I dunno.