shanty to live in – check
One of the most reviled things necessary. There is almost no way to be bohemian without a shitty place to live. In New Orleans this entails being under construction almost perpetually for years at a time. It is important that some progress seem to be made so as to excuse the fact that the yard is poorly maintained.
Pick up truck of questionable age – check
This is a necessary evil in the time of remodeling the aforementioned shanty. When someone mentions how irresponsible it is to drive a big, pollution spewing truck the proper response is to inform the inquisitor that you are remodeling a house. They won’t find it a reasonable excuse but will stop questioning you.
unflattering sideburns – check
In an attempt to “keep it real” its important to have some form of facial hair distracting from your otherwise unkempt appearance. After all, if you were too attractive as a person then you’d never manage the next requirement.
being told to go to hell by people who love you – check
Even though they probably don’t mean it, surprise everyone and actually do it. Preferably by living in a shanty, driving a polluting vehicle, and growing some unflattering sideburns.
having a relatively good job – check
This is really just to confuse those around you. If it appears you really don’t have anything at all going for you then you’ll be too easily discounted as a dirtbag. Plus, this implies that you have a nice income which makes everything seem very difficult to explain. Simply field these types of inquiries by stating that rising gas prices and working on a house are expensive and that these expenses aren’t as offset by minimal use of shaving cream and longer lasting razor blades by having unflattering sideburns as your calculations would have suggested.
having a cute dog – check
Again, if the dog is well behaved and well taken care of people are forced to acknowledge that you can’t be a complete piece of shit. Everyone knows a cool dog can in small ways make up for your own shortcomings as a person. If there seems to be any doubt, inform them that the dog goes to “daycare” once a week. And teach your dog to smile.
be a vegetarian – check
But be very, very bad at it and eat meat all the time. I mean eat less meat than most people but eat enough meat that those around you don’t catch on like they caught you at being a vegetarian. Mostly just be a vegetarian when you’re at home in the shanty or when no one is around.
Assemble a large amount of books – check
In New Orleans, books aren’t really “sustainable” what with the occasional, rapid influx of water in the place you store them; such as a shanty. Instead get an ipod and a bunch of audio books. It will come in handy when you’re sitting in traffic trying to evacuate or it can provide a nice distraction while the city crashes into chaos around you if you don’t evacuate. Either way you’re covered. And it will be nice to have a “personal soundtrack” for when you’re rooting through the wet pile of shit that used to be everything you and those around you owned.
and lastly, a healthy sense of humor – check
I can’t stress this one enough. After all, you still have to wake up every day in a shanty, shave around your unflattering sideburns, walk your cute dog while listening to “To Kill a Mockingbird” on your ipod, drive your pollution spewing truck to a relatively nice job, and eventually back home to your shanty where you’ll eat a vegetarian dinner alone because someone who loved you told you to go to hell even though they didn’t mean it.
